Life is not linear

This new year I committed to writing more frequently. Initially I thought I would focus on telling our family's story through blog posts. Because I'm taking a break from homeschooling this year to focus on physical and mental healing, I now have "more time" to devote to things like this than I have had in over a decade. More time: a very odd concept indeed.

There is a lot to process, which sometimes really impairs the writing process, but though I don't post weekly like I'd planned to, I have continued to write profusely in private, which has been a wonderful journey in itself. I'm experimenting with 'prayer journaling', actually writing out my prayers, and I've found it to be so therapeutic. I feel like God has met me in those moments of putting pen to paper and answered some of the important questions of my heart in very poignant, personal ways.

While I'm excited to jump back into telling the story of our amazing journey this summer, I think it's also important to flash forward to where things are at right now. Most anyone who reads this already knows that by the end of July, our journey led us to unexpected detours - to medical trauma, broken dreams, and other dreams fulfilled. So while going back and writing about how everything happened sequentially is healing for me, I don't really feel like that approach will work going forward.

What I'm trying to clarify here is simply: life is not linear. Yes, time marches on, man-made clocks tick forward in one direction. But our souls are not man-made, and they work differently. Somehow, there are forces in our souls that allow us gain access to to the past and change our perception of it in order to create renewed meaning out of it. Almost like wormholes in our memories that allow us to travel backwards to re-process experiences in more meaningful ways. That is what the writing process does for me, acting like a very low-tech time machine to make sense and meaning of the past. I just wanted to take a minute to share that very cool discovery.

For example, last night I was packing in great anticipation of flying today from Denver to Charlotte, NC to visit my dying uncle and his two children, my long lost cousins who I have not seen in decades. He literally might not last the night, so this is a critical time with a lot of emotions. The story of how we all became separated is too long and personal to share here, and the story of how we have been reunited is incredible and miraculous, and I will save it for another day. But as I was packing last night, searching for some things to share bring to with them, I was so relieved to discover that I had brought some old pictures and a box of old journals from Idaho to our home in Colorado, and as I opened them it was like going down that memory wormhole, instantly transporting me to that time and place when we were young and free as cousins at play. Fast forward through years of painful separation due to complex reasons I couldn't understand as a child, to now when I have had enough experiences to understand essential principles like love and forgiveness, mercy and healing. It is all okay. Things I never expected to make sense or be made whole are doing just that. And the craziest thing is that it feels like I'm going back in time on multiple levels. It is something I feel the need to express artistically somehow, but for lack of a better way, I need to do it in writing.

So, here I am in the Charlotte airport, writing while waiting for my mom to arrive, and then we will reconnect with these dear long lost family members of mine. The first thing I did was continue work on the Addiction Recovery Program steps. I began this journey back in 2012 as I finally admitted that I struggled deeply with anger and depression fueled by an unresolved obsession with control and perfectionism. With support from wonderful friends I gained so many insights and healing, and then kind of stagnated on the journey for awhile after moving to Idaho. I finally picked it back up last week, continuing with Step 7: Humility. It was so deeply healing for me to finally feel like I could completely lay all my weakness and shortcomings over to Jesus Christ and literally feel him pick me up from the ground with a new hope in him. Again, I have been through that process before in other times and ways, but this is NOT a linear process. Beginning Step 8: Forgiveness today reminded me, this is of course not the first time I have addressed this topic, but doing so in a much more thorough and formal way is bringing entirely new meaning to the principle and I'm as nervous and excited to start that journey as I was to get on the plane today to see my long lost family members. (As a side note, this "Addiction Recovery Program" name is a misnomer, really it should say "Character Weakness Recovery" - name me one person who doesn't fit into that category!! I'm so grateful for the people who taught me that and helped me take the plunge.)

So, Mom just landed! It's time to go meet her and embark on this exciting reunion journey. I have never really considered it in quite this way before, but because our souls are eternal, they are capable of time travel! I think that is incredible and cooler than any sci fi film. I credit my mother for teaching me to love the concept of time travel. And I give complete credit to God for any insights I might have gained and proceed to share that could help anyone else.